A Big Baby Having a Baby

I have a confession. I'm pretty much no good at this pregnancy stuff. I know I'm supposed to be all, "Oh it's so wonderful, an amazing experience"... and it IS amazing, the fact that there's a little person growing inside me. It's amazing... but do you know what else is amazing? The symptoms. I feel I have been misled by all the "Oh it's so wonderful" people. Why didn't you tell me pregnancy is like a giant hangover? Like a Drank-a-whole-bottle-of-whiskey-slept-on-the-bathroom-floor kind of hangover. Since no one told me about the reality of being pregnant, I feel it is now my duty to document the naked truth.

Speaking of naked, as of 6 weeks none of my pants or bras fit me anymore. Not because I had a little baby bump or anything like that. No, it was simply because constipation, bloating, and gas had taken over my body like white trash at Wal-Mart. I'm not talking about the kind of thing that goes away after you eat a salad either. No, I'm talking Santa Claus on a beer binge. Hard as a rock, dead possum kind of bloating. It is amazing.

Nausea. You know that feeling after a long night out drinking? You wake up in the morning and you're not sure if you're starving or if you never want to eat again. So, you eat something really bad for you because that's what you thought you were craving, and it turns out you weren't starving, you were just nauseous. Should've opted for the never eating again. Well, when you're pregnant this is what happens every two hours, and for some reason you always opt for the eating, and for some reason it always makes you feel worse. Amazing.

Water!!! I have never drank so much water in my life. Not that this is such big a problem, except that I'm already peeing more often than a geriatric mother of 12.  Turns out that Itty Bitty Baby is playing soccer with my bladder because, seriously, it's every 15 minutes. It's rather amazing. 

Headaches. Why? What is the purpose of this pounding? It's every afternoon, like clockwork!

Sleeping. It doesn't really happen anymore. Maybe in short clips in between tossing, turning, I'm nauseous, I'm peeing, I need a drink, and oh, what do ya know my head is pounding again! Amazing.

Backaches. Why, oh why, would my back be hurting already? I thought the backaches were from actually carrying around the weight of a full grown child in your stomach? So why, if my baby is now the size of  a green olive, am I walking like I'm 3 weeks over due?

Fatigue. This couch has never seen so much action, and I'm not talking about the kind that benefits Joel. I have never been much of a tv person, and barely ever took naps either. I was always busy with a project, homework, shopping, exercising, or reading. Those are all things I watch people do on tv now. I mean, I want to get up, but it's like there's an invisible force turning me into something that resembles Al Bundy. I'm amazed.

I know this isn't your typical mushy pregnancy blog. Maybe after the first trimester the mushy mommy in me will emerge? Let's hope so! Until then, you can count on these somewhat grumpy, overly sarcastic, and disturbingly honest blogs about the crap you have to go through to become a parent. It's not easy being pregnant, and from what I hear it's not easy being a parent either. But I do know it will all be worth it in the end. It will be amazing, right?