Dear itty bitty baby in my belly,
I can't stop thinking about you. You are the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep, and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I dream about you at night, and I daydream about you during the day. I pretend to listen when people are talking, only I'm not listening because I'm thinking about you. I pretend to read a book, and occasionally even turn a page, but I don't know what I'm reading because my mind is wandering... I'm thinking about you.
I think all sorts of things, like what color will your hair be? Will I know what to do when you cry? Will you like me? Will you roll your eyes at my jokes? Will you think my clothes are out of style? Are you gonna give me stretch marks? It's ok if you do, but then you at least better be nice to me when you get older. I hope you have Joel's sense of humor, but certainly not his temper. I hope we raise you with just the right amount of spankings. Not so much that you'll hate us, but not so few that you're spoiled. We're definitely gonna spank you though, just so you know. I got spanked a lot when I was a kid, and I still like my Mom. If fact, my Mom is my best friend. She's the greatest lady I've ever met. We might even name you after her, if you're a girl. Are you a girl? Do you want to be a ballerina? Because I completely support you being a ballerina... but soccer's fine too. Or are you a boy? We'll name you after Joel's Grandpa- 'a strong manly name' is what Joel calls it. If you are a boy, then I hope you like wrestling because the Smith boys do a lot of that. Joel will show you how. I'm a really good baker, just so you know. I'm gonna bake you a lot of cookies. I pray for you every day. I pray that you'll be healthy and strong and smart and that you'll love Jesus.
I have lots more to tell you, but I'll save some for later. I don't want you to think I talk too much.
Love,
Your Mommy
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Initiate Panic.
Saturday, June 11. One pregnancy test left. I'd already taken 10 that week. All negative. It was 4:30 in the morning and I was wide awake. I decided the night before that perhaps the suggestion on the box to use your first morning urine was more than just a suggestion. I was trying to play it cool and wait until 5am to get out of bed and take the test, but I had no cool left in me. Moments later I'm standing in my underwear, leaning against the bathroom counter, the test just inches from my face. Normally I would walk out of the room for the 3 minutes, but that's how I handled the 10 previous tests. This time I decided to stare that little stick down and summon the two lines out of it.
10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... wait, is that another line or have I been staring so hard that I've gone crossed eyed? Look away, look back, lines are still there, look at the directions, "two lines = pregnant", moment of panic, run to the closet, put on pants, run out the door, WAL-MART, buy another pregnancy test, wait 10 minutes while cashier finds key to unlock plastic case the test is in, why is it in a plastic case, I'm embarrassed, hurry up, mind is racing, will I be able to pee again when I get home, grab a Gatorade, chug it, do an awkward walk/jog to the car, get home, try to pee, try harder, squeeze a little out, lay the test on the counter, initiate staring and panic.
10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... there it is again. I KNEW I should've been staring these things down sooner. That's all it took to squeeze those two lines out was a nasty look. Ha! Take THAT you stupid stick, I win!...I win... I'm pregnant?... initiate panic.
Joel's still sleeping (along with the rest of the world), and I'm standing by the bed trying to telepathically wake him. I can't speak. I sit down on the bed and stare at him awkwardly. He opens one eye and says good morning, then goes into a rant about the dogs and how much space they take up in the bed...there's a long pause... his back is to me now and I'm sure he's drifting back to sleep... I say quietly, "There's about to be a whole lot less room in this bed". He rolls back toward me, his eyes are huge, my eyes are huge... more silence... "We're going to have a baby", I say. Initiate panic.
10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... wait, is that another line or have I been staring so hard that I've gone crossed eyed? Look away, look back, lines are still there, look at the directions, "two lines = pregnant", moment of panic, run to the closet, put on pants, run out the door, WAL-MART, buy another pregnancy test, wait 10 minutes while cashier finds key to unlock plastic case the test is in, why is it in a plastic case, I'm embarrassed, hurry up, mind is racing, will I be able to pee again when I get home, grab a Gatorade, chug it, do an awkward walk/jog to the car, get home, try to pee, try harder, squeeze a little out, lay the test on the counter, initiate staring and panic.
10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... there it is again. I KNEW I should've been staring these things down sooner. That's all it took to squeeze those two lines out was a nasty look. Ha! Take THAT you stupid stick, I win!...I win... I'm pregnant?... initiate panic.
Joel's still sleeping (along with the rest of the world), and I'm standing by the bed trying to telepathically wake him. I can't speak. I sit down on the bed and stare at him awkwardly. He opens one eye and says good morning, then goes into a rant about the dogs and how much space they take up in the bed...there's a long pause... his back is to me now and I'm sure he's drifting back to sleep... I say quietly, "There's about to be a whole lot less room in this bed". He rolls back toward me, his eyes are huge, my eyes are huge... more silence... "We're going to have a baby", I say. Initiate panic.
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