Hunger Games: 'Ring of Fire'

The Hunger Games: Ring of Fire

The unmistakable similarities between my pregnancy and a  popular film. 

"Embrace the probability of your imminent death... And know there is nothing I can do to save you". -Haymitch Abernathy, The Hunger Games

As most of you know, I tend to be exceedingly honest when it comes to pregnancy. There's no talk of pregnancy glow or joyful bliss when you ask me about growing a human. Nope. Don't get me wrong, I love being a parent, but pregnancy...? To pregnancy I would like to flip the bird! The nausea, the vomiting, the weight gain, the hideous clothing, the backaches, the insomnia, not being able to drink a glass of wine- NO WINE!!! I mean, if I'm gonna be wetting myself at the dinner table when I sneeze, shouldn't I at least be able to wash that misfortune down with a glass of merlot?

So, as I was saying, I despise pregnancy. And that's why getting pregnant this time around felt a lot like the reaping scene in the movie Hunger Games. As I looked down at the results of my pregnancy test, the words of Haymitch Abernathy rung through my head. '"Embrace the probability of your imminent death... And know there is nothing I can do to save you".

The Hunger Games: Ring of Fire

Opening Scene: There's a positive pregnancy test sitting near the sink and I'm laying on the floor of the bathroom crying because that purple-haired lady with the weird clothes just pulled my name out of that bowl. I hear my death sentence as she calls out "Positive". I've been chosen as tribute to compete in a sick, twisted game of torture. The game? Pregnancy. My enemies? Nausea, vomiting, hormones, fat butt, labor, and perennial tearing. Imminent death for sure. 

And just like in the movie, there is no going back after being chosen. So, after a lot of crying, I put on a brave face and prepare for the games. I have 9 months to train up for battle, so I begin collecting my 'bow and arrows' in things like hemorrhoid cream, anti-nausea drugs and stretchy pants.

And then the time comes. Contractions begin. Training is over and I'm in the glass tube headed for destruction. Although I've already defeated a majority of my enemies, the worst ones still remain (and these ones are the career tributes): active labor and the Ring of Fire. While battling active labor I'm relatively certain I'm going to die. But once I'm face to face with the Ring of Fire (also known as crowning)- I swear I can actually see the bright lights of heaven beckoning me. At this point I'm tempted to move towards the light, because surely death would be better than the searing pain of a thousand blowtorch's being held to my lady garden. I'm thinking about eating the berries at this point. But just at that moment, when I'm ready to head for the pearly gates- I hear the short beeping of a sponsor parachute. In it--the will to survive and the promise that when this is over I'm going to have my son in my arms. I pick up my bow and the last remaining arrow. Deep breaths. Draw back. Release.

And there I am. The lone victor. I drop the poisonous berries as I look to the skies and raise my fist in conquest. I've won. Now shower me with gifts.

Our Birth Story

The (Home) Birth Story of Oliver Harold

Oliver Harold Smith was born on February 24 at 1:55am- at home! No, it was no accident that I gave birth to our beautiful son on the living room floor. This was our plan from the beginning- to have our baby in the comfort of our own home surrounded by the most amazing nurse midwife and birthing team in the world. Most of our close friends and family know our reasons for choosing to have a home birth, but for those of you who are wondering why we would chose this, let me share.

Why at Home?

I could go into detail about the research Joel and I did. I could list the statistics that exist on home births versus hospital births. I could tell you all about the FALSE stereotypes that float around concerning home births. But ultimately these things are not why we chose a home birth. We chose it because we had total peace about it. Sure, there are those horror stories of home births gone wrong, or situations where, had mom not been in a hospital, things could’ve ended badly. But Joel and I refused to make our decision based on fear. We knew that God was leading our decision and would protect us wherever we chose to have our son.

Gentle Birth Options, LLC

One of the reasons Joel and I had so much peace about our decision to birth at home was our discovery of Gentle Birth Options. Gentle Birth is a local home birthing company owned and operated by Cindi Denbow, a Certified Nurse Midwife. Cindi has years of experience, not only with home births, but in hospitals as well. She brings the same training and supplies to a home birth that you would find at any level one facility, such as fetal monitoring with a doppler, oxygen, and drugs such as Pitocin in the event of a hemorrhage. Cindi and her birthing team have the perfect amount of respect for both the medical AND natural aspects of birth. After meeting with Cindi and interviewing a few of the couples who birthed at home with her, our decision was an easy one!

Labor!

On Thursday, February 23, Joel and I had our 40-week appointment with Cindi. It was a 3 o’clock appointment and a beautiful day, so we decided to walk to her office. While there, Cindi checked me and I was dilated to 2 cm. We decided to go ahead and strip my membranes, discussing how this could possibly encourage labor, but only if my body was truly ready. To be honest I didn’t really expect it to do much. I really felt like labor was never coming. Joel and I walked home from our appointment, talking about how exciting it will be to finally go into labor, but still speaking as if it were a long ways off. When we got home I made us some dinner and we snuggled up on the couch. I told Joel I felt a bit crampy and his eyes lit up as he said, “Contractions!” but I insisted it was just cramping from having my membranes swept. At first it seemed to be a constant cramp, but the more I paid attention, I noticed these ‘cramps’ were about a minute apart and slowly getting stronger. I still didn’t recognize these as contractions because I had always heard women tell stories about their contractions being 20 minutes apart or something, and then progressing to a minute apart. I thought surely if these were contractions, they wouldn’t be a minute apart already! It had to be something else. I started getting uncomfortable as the cramps intensified, so I told Joel I was going to take a bath and go lay down for the night. All this time I was convincing myself I wasn’t in labor. I was so afraid to get excited and then find out it was a false start. I couldn’t get comfortable in the bath. I kept flipping over on my hands and knees to try to breathe through what I was still calling ‘cramps’. After the bath, I tried lying down for a while but the cramps hurt so much worse when I was lying down. This was the point that I realized perhaps I was in labor. Since sleep wasn’t an option I decided to start on our ‘pre-labor checklist’. I had heard so many times that first time moms usually have a 24 hour labor, so I knew I needed to keep myself busy. Joel began to inflate the birthing pool and I called our close friends, Mike and Elsie, to come pray with us. They came right away. I cranked up some worship music and we stood together in our living room and prayed for a safe, beautiful labor and healthy baby. I felt so at peace after they left. Joel continued to work on our to-do list, and I was keeping really busy with my minute-apart-contractions. At this point I was already “ooh”ing through each contraction and I can remember thinking, “Why are these so close together? I can’t do this for 24 hours! I’ll be dead by tomorrow!” I reminded myself of a coping technique that talked about contractions being like waves and to picture yourself as a surfer, riding on top of the water. I used this mental image a lot for the first couple of hours, and it really helped me. Around 11 o’clock the contractions started getting really intense and there was no more pretty pictures of waves in my mind. I began feeling nauseous, so I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I remembered from our birthing class that vomiting is often a sign of approaching transition, and if we were vomiting it was definitely time to call the midwife! Joel was relieved when I finally told him to call her. He had wanted to call her earlier, but I kept insisting that it was too soon. Within an hour the midwife and her team arrived. I remember looking up and seeing Cindi and feeling so excited that this was really it! The contractions seemed pretty much on top of each other at this point and I began feeling the urge to push. I asked Cindi if I could get in the pool and she told me that there was no time to heat the water because this baby was coming fast. I remember thinking, “Oh thank God! So I don’t have to do this for 24 hours?!” Cindi had me try a few different positions while I pushed, but I kept coming back to my hands and knees in front of the couch. This position allowed me to feel like I could stay on top of the pain and control my breaths. I remember hearing my worship music playing and really loving it. It reminded me to pray between contractions and ask God for courage and strength! After awhile I started talking out loud a lot. I was giving myself a major pep talk. Every time my mind would say, “You can’t do this, it hurts too much!” I would respond out loud with, “I can do this! I’m having this baby!” I can also remember saying a lot of things like, “Come on Oliver, work with me buddy!” or “Fast labor, I’m going to have a fast labor!” Later Joel told me that I was punching the pillows next to me through each contraction! Because I teach yoga, I thought I was going to be able to internalize the pain and quietly breath through the contractions, but I ended up being the exact opposite! The shouting and talking felt so good because it was a release, and because I was at home I was totally comfortable saying and doing whatever I wanted. Joel and the birth team were so amazing. Joel was right up by my face the whole time. He let me grab onto his forearm and I would pull myself up on his arm with each contraction. I can remember that feeling so good to have his strong arm right there- I could feel his forearm flex each time I would grab onto it and it reminded me that he was there and was being strong for us too. Cindi was behind me the whole time rubbing my back and encouraging me. Any time I would say, “I can do this!” she would respond, “You ARE doing it Erynne!” One of the birth assistants had a big bottle of Gatorade and would give me a drink between contractions; another had cold washcloths for my forehead. I remember feeling so safe and taken care of. They were monitoring Oliver’s heart rate with the Doppler the whole time. That was a great feeling because every time she would check his heart rate she would tell me that he sounded great and he was excited to come out! It was great motivation! At one point Cindi said to me, “Ok Erynne you have been pushing for about an hour so we need to change positions.” She had me get up and go to the toilet for a few practice pushes because it would give me a good idea of how to relax my bottom and push more efficiently. I pushed a few times on the toilet, and it really worked because that’s where my water broke. We went back to the living room and I got back on my hands and knees where I was before. Cindi told me that during the next contraction she was going to put her fingers on a spot just inside of me and that I should try to push against her fingers. It hurt really bad, but it helped me so much. I could feel her pushing against me and it gave me a really specific goal of where and how to push. After she did that, it seemed like things really started to progress quickly. I could feel the baby’s head coming down and she told me that this was the point where I had to be really careful if I didn’t want to tear. She coached me through the crowning, telling me to let his head come down only so far and then to hold it there to stretch the skin. This part was definitely a mental battle. I knew I was crowning, and that meant I was so close to meeting our baby, but it hurt so bad that I didn’t want to do it. The conversation in my head was something like, “Yay! I’m so close! But NO, I’m not pushing his head out. It hurts too much!” Every time I would push I could feel that ‘ring of fire’ feeling and she would tell me to hold his head there. I wanted so badly to just give it a good hard push and be done with it, but I fought the urge. I finally got his head out and I was so excited that the shoulders were no problem at all. I hadn’t even noticed that Joel was no longer by my face, and that he had actually caught the baby! The girls helped me sit back and Joel handed me our boy. We sat and cried together and I just remember saying “WHAT?!” over and over. I couldn’t believe I just did that. I couldn’t believe this was our son. I couldn’t believe how beautiful he was- how beautiful the whole process was- how awesome God was! We sat there on the floor for quite some time just crying and staring at him. The girls were bringing warm blankets and hats and wiping him down. After awhile they helped us to the bedroom. Joel got to cut the umbilical cord and then they had Joel hold the baby while they took care of me. It took me quite a bit longer to deliver my placenta than I had anticipated, and it was a lot more painful than I had thought it would be. We soon discovered that I had hemorrhaged, but it wasn’t a big deal because Cindi carries Pitocin for such an event. I did need a few stitches, but Cindi numbed me up and I didn’t feel a thing. Joel got to weigh Oliver and he rang in at 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Cindi measured his head and length, got his footprints, and gave him a full assessment. She helped me get Oliver to breast-feed and watched me to make sure we were getting the hang of it. At first he wasn’t latching on, but she told me to talk to him and it really helped! After I was all stitched up, the girls helped me to the bathroom where I got a nice hot shower and put my PJs on. They tucked Joel, Oliver and I into our bed and turned down the lights. They left us alone for a couple of hours and later brought us breakfast in bed! They cleaned the entire house and even did laundry! After a couple of hours everyone came into the room and we all admired the baby. It was so comfortable; it felt like one big family! Cindi came in and sat on the bed with us and went over some information. She told Joel to watch my temperature and monitor my bleeding, and gave us a sheet for Oliver to check his respiration and temperature every 2 hours. After that, the birth team came in and hugged us, turned down the lights again and left us to be a family! I could’ve stayed there forever. I will never forget those hours of Joel and I just staring at our beautiful son. I was so in love, not just with Oliver, but with Joel as well. I was so proud to be his wife and to have made such a beautiful miracle with him. I was so glad that I had the birth I wanted and Joel was able to be so involved in every step. I was so happy with our decision to have our baby at home, to be in my bedroom with my family. It was beautiful and perfect- just like our son.

Home Birth

Home Birth:
Recently Joel and I have been looking into home births. We want to make an educated decision on whats best for us and our baby by comparing the benefits of home birth versus hospital birth. We're going to be doing some serious research by talking to friends who have experienced both, meeting with midwives, and talking to our current OB. I thought I should share our discoveries since this seems to be such a controversial topic and I want our friends and family to understand where we are coming from.

Joel and I obviously have no experience with any sort of birth. For some reason I have an overwhelming sense of peace about having a home birth. I cant explain that peace, it just appeared in me the moment I started researching it. Joel is still a little apprehensive about it.

How It All Started:
When we first found out we were pregnant we were so excited, but this excitement was quickly followed by a bit of disappointment when our insurance told us we had to have the baby on base, no exceptions. Military insurance can be a beautiful thing because it's basically free to us, but it can also be extremely frustrating because, well, you get what you pay for. Because we don't pay for it, we have no control over who our doctor is or what treatment we receive. When most women get pregnant they have the opportunity to interview different OB's, talk about birth plans, and get a sense of whether or not it's a good match. This person is bringing your child into this world, so it's going to be an important relationship. Most women also get a chance to look at different facility's and see which place would be the most comfortable for them, after all, you will most likely be spending over 24 hours there if it's your first! Well, because of our insurance we would not have any of these choices. We would be designated an OB for each appointment, and when we go into labor, whoever happens to be on call will deliver the baby. Basically there would be a complete stranger delivering our child. Not exactly what I dreamed of.

 So, you can imagine that when I found out our insurance covers home birth, I was immediately interested. This would mean that we wouldn't have to have a soldier deliver our baby. We could actually have some control over the situation. We could interview different midwives, talk about birth plans, and then PICK the best one for us. On top of that, I love the idea of being in the comfort of my own home during the anticipated 24 hour labor. Being a yoga instructor, I have learned how to calm my mind and body using different breathing techniques and poses. I would like to incorporate this into my labor, but I would need to be in a peaceful, comfortable environment to do so.

Our Research So Far:
Of course I am also looking into the risks of home birth vs. hospital birth. Here are some of the statistics I've found so far. These are per 1,000 births: 
                                                       HOME    HOSPITAL
Use of Forceps                                  .9%           19.6%
Manually remove Placenta              1.4%           1.4%
Episiotomy                                       9.8%          87.4%
Emergency C-Section                        3%            30%
Birth Injuries                                      0%             3%
Infant Breathing Problems                3.3%          9.3%
Induction                                            2.1%          21%

So far I am really impressed with the statistics and stories I have heard on home births. We still have a long way to go in our research and prayer on the matter. Next week we have an appointment with a home birthing company, I'm meeting one on one with a mother who has had 2 home births, and we have a coffee date set up with 5 or 6 couples who chose home birth and are willing to share their stories. I have so many questions and concerns, so I can't wait to start picking their brains!

Our Concerns and Questions:
Below is a list of questions we intend to discuss with our friends who have been through the process and with the midwives we interview. 

How many births have you attended? Of those, how many needed emergency intervention?
What is your hospital transfer rate?
What is your plan of action in the case of a hospital transfer?
What happens to the fees if I need a hospital transfer?
Have you ever lost a mother or child?
Have you ever had any bad outcomes? Please explain.
What is your role in the birthing process?
How many visits are included in your fee?
Do I need to take a la maz or birthing class or do you coach those things during labor?
Are ultrasounds included in your fees?
Will you be monitoring the baby's heart rate the whole time?
What will you do if the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck?
What will you do if the baby is breech?
What if I have excessive bleeding?
What do you do to prevent tearing?
What if I need an episiotomy? Do you do stitches? Will you use local anesthetic? 
Do you do inductions? How far overdue do you allow a mother to go?
What pharmaceuticals/homeopathics/herbs do you use during a birth?
What equipment will you bring with you? Will you have a birthing pool/stool/ball available for me?
What will you do if I start screaming for an epidural or tell you to bring me to the hospital?
Will you give my baby a full check-up and blood screening right away?
What sort of postnatal check-ups are included for me and my baby?
Will you help me with breastfeeding/latching techniques?

I will continue to share our story and discoveries with you all. I only ask that you, our friends and family, would respect our decisions and trust that we are seeking the Lord throughout this entire process. We do not pass any sort of judgment on our friends and family who have had their children in hospitals, and we only ask that you wouldn't pass judgment on us for exploring other options.

A Big Baby Having a Baby

I have a confession. I'm pretty much no good at this pregnancy stuff. I know I'm supposed to be all, "Oh it's so wonderful, an amazing experience"... and it IS amazing, the fact that there's a little person growing inside me. It's amazing... but do you know what else is amazing? The symptoms. I feel I have been misled by all the "Oh it's so wonderful" people. Why didn't you tell me pregnancy is like a giant hangover? Like a Drank-a-whole-bottle-of-whiskey-slept-on-the-bathroom-floor kind of hangover. Since no one told me about the reality of being pregnant, I feel it is now my duty to document the naked truth.

Speaking of naked, as of 6 weeks none of my pants or bras fit me anymore. Not because I had a little baby bump or anything like that. No, it was simply because constipation, bloating, and gas had taken over my body like white trash at Wal-Mart. I'm not talking about the kind of thing that goes away after you eat a salad either. No, I'm talking Santa Claus on a beer binge. Hard as a rock, dead possum kind of bloating. It is amazing.

Nausea. You know that feeling after a long night out drinking? You wake up in the morning and you're not sure if you're starving or if you never want to eat again. So, you eat something really bad for you because that's what you thought you were craving, and it turns out you weren't starving, you were just nauseous. Should've opted for the never eating again. Well, when you're pregnant this is what happens every two hours, and for some reason you always opt for the eating, and for some reason it always makes you feel worse. Amazing.

Water!!! I have never drank so much water in my life. Not that this is such big a problem, except that I'm already peeing more often than a geriatric mother of 12.  Turns out that Itty Bitty Baby is playing soccer with my bladder because, seriously, it's every 15 minutes. It's rather amazing. 

Headaches. Why? What is the purpose of this pounding? It's every afternoon, like clockwork!

Sleeping. It doesn't really happen anymore. Maybe in short clips in between tossing, turning, I'm nauseous, I'm peeing, I need a drink, and oh, what do ya know my head is pounding again! Amazing.

Backaches. Why, oh why, would my back be hurting already? I thought the backaches were from actually carrying around the weight of a full grown child in your stomach? So why, if my baby is now the size of  a green olive, am I walking like I'm 3 weeks over due?

Fatigue. This couch has never seen so much action, and I'm not talking about the kind that benefits Joel. I have never been much of a tv person, and barely ever took naps either. I was always busy with a project, homework, shopping, exercising, or reading. Those are all things I watch people do on tv now. I mean, I want to get up, but it's like there's an invisible force turning me into something that resembles Al Bundy. I'm amazed.

I know this isn't your typical mushy pregnancy blog. Maybe after the first trimester the mushy mommy in me will emerge? Let's hope so! Until then, you can count on these somewhat grumpy, overly sarcastic, and disturbingly honest blogs about the crap you have to go through to become a parent. It's not easy being pregnant, and from what I hear it's not easy being a parent either. But I do know it will all be worth it in the end. It will be amazing, right?

A Letter to Itty Bitty

Dear itty bitty baby in my belly,
      I can't stop thinking about you. You are the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep, and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I dream about you at night, and I daydream about you during the day. I pretend to listen when people are talking, only I'm not listening because I'm thinking about you. I pretend to read a book, and occasionally even turn a page, but I don't know what I'm reading because my mind is wandering... I'm thinking about you.
     I think all sorts of things, like what color will your hair be? Will I know what to do when you cry? Will you like me? Will you roll your eyes at my jokes? Will you think my clothes are out of style? Are you gonna give me stretch marks? It's ok if you do, but then you at least better be nice to me when you get older. I hope you have Joel's sense of humor, but certainly not his temper. I hope we raise you with just the right amount of spankings. Not so much that you'll hate us, but not so few that you're spoiled. We're definitely gonna spank you though, just so you know. I got spanked a lot when I was a kid, and I still like my Mom. If fact, my Mom is my best friend. She's the greatest lady I've ever met. We might even name you after her, if you're a girl. Are you a girl? Do you want to be a ballerina? Because I completely support you being a ballerina... but soccer's fine too. Or are you a boy? We'll name you after Joel's Grandpa- 'a strong manly name' is what Joel calls it. If you are a boy, then I hope you like wrestling because the Smith boys do a lot of that. Joel will show you how. I'm a really good baker, just so you know. I'm gonna bake you a lot of cookies. I pray for you every day. I pray that you'll be healthy and strong and smart and that you'll love Jesus.
     I have lots more to tell you, but I'll save some for later. I don't want you to think I talk too much. 

Love,
  Your Mommy

    



   

Initiate Panic.

Saturday, June 11. One pregnancy test left. I'd already taken 10 that week. All negative. It was 4:30 in the morning and I was wide awake. I decided the night before that perhaps the suggestion on the box to use your first morning urine was more than just a suggestion. I was trying to play it cool and wait until 5am to get out of bed and take the test, but I had no cool left in me. Moments later I'm standing in my underwear, leaning against the bathroom counter, the test just inches from my face. Normally I would walk out of the room for the 3 minutes, but that's how I handled the 10 previous tests. This time I decided to stare that little stick down and summon the two lines out of it.

10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... wait, is that another line or have I been staring so hard that I've gone crossed eyed? Look away, look back, lines are still there, look at the directions, "two lines = pregnant", moment of panic, run to the closet, put on pants, run out the door, WAL-MART, buy another pregnancy test, wait 10 minutes while cashier finds key to unlock plastic case the test is in, why is it in a plastic case, I'm embarrassed, hurry up, mind is racing, will I be able to pee again when I get home, grab a Gatorade, chug it, do an awkward walk/jog to the car, get home, try to pee, try harder, squeeze a little out, lay the test on the counter, initiate staring and panic.

10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... there it is again. I KNEW I should've been staring these things down sooner. That's all it took to squeeze those two lines out was a nasty look. Ha! Take THAT you stupid stick, I win!...I win... I'm pregnant?... initiate panic.

Joel's still sleeping (along with the rest of the world), and I'm standing by the bed trying to telepathically wake him. I can't speak. I sit down on the bed and stare at him awkwardly. He opens one eye and says good morning, then goes into a rant about the dogs and how much space they take up in the bed...there's a long pause... his back is to me now and I'm sure he's drifting back to sleep... I say quietly, "There's about to be a whole lot less room in this bed". He rolls back toward me, his eyes are huge, my eyes are huge... more silence... "We're going to have a baby", I say. Initiate panic.