Initiate Panic.

Saturday, June 11. One pregnancy test left. I'd already taken 10 that week. All negative. It was 4:30 in the morning and I was wide awake. I decided the night before that perhaps the suggestion on the box to use your first morning urine was more than just a suggestion. I was trying to play it cool and wait until 5am to get out of bed and take the test, but I had no cool left in me. Moments later I'm standing in my underwear, leaning against the bathroom counter, the test just inches from my face. Normally I would walk out of the room for the 3 minutes, but that's how I handled the 10 previous tests. This time I decided to stare that little stick down and summon the two lines out of it.

10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... wait, is that another line or have I been staring so hard that I've gone crossed eyed? Look away, look back, lines are still there, look at the directions, "two lines = pregnant", moment of panic, run to the closet, put on pants, run out the door, WAL-MART, buy another pregnancy test, wait 10 minutes while cashier finds key to unlock plastic case the test is in, why is it in a plastic case, I'm embarrassed, hurry up, mind is racing, will I be able to pee again when I get home, grab a Gatorade, chug it, do an awkward walk/jog to the car, get home, try to pee, try harder, squeeze a little out, lay the test on the counter, initiate staring and panic.

10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... there it is again. I KNEW I should've been staring these things down sooner. That's all it took to squeeze those two lines out was a nasty look. Ha! Take THAT you stupid stick, I win!...I win... I'm pregnant?... initiate panic.

Joel's still sleeping (along with the rest of the world), and I'm standing by the bed trying to telepathically wake him. I can't speak. I sit down on the bed and stare at him awkwardly. He opens one eye and says good morning, then goes into a rant about the dogs and how much space they take up in the bed...there's a long pause... his back is to me now and I'm sure he's drifting back to sleep... I say quietly, "There's about to be a whole lot less room in this bed". He rolls back toward me, his eyes are huge, my eyes are huge... more silence... "We're going to have a baby", I say. Initiate panic.